There Goes the Neighborhood
by Mr. Bigg
Summary: Takes place in that Alternate Reality thing. Random insanity, and all that other good stuff


NOTES:  
  
Ok people. Before you start reading this and go, "What the hell? Is this guy hopped on drugs?" I gotta few things to say. So, I'm ask gonna you to politely shove it. This has mainly nothing to do with the Eva series (it's barely reminiscent of the Alternate Reality thing). A lot of Eva Fan fiction is written to answer some of the puzzling, yet unanswered questions. This fanfic also serves that purpose, because it was inspired form the ever apparent question, "Are there a pair of guys in Eva, or the entire universe, that are weirder than Touji Suzuhara and Kensuke Aida?" In reply, I have only two words. Hells yes. This is a story about me and my friend stuck into the Eva Alternate Reality. So without further ado, I humbly present to you..  
  
Disclaimer: Honestly baby! It's not mine!  
  
Too.lazy.can't.spell check. so expect a few spelling errors.  
  
There Goes the Neighborhood  
  
Gendou Ikari stirred from his book. Noticing, his wife Yui asked, "Is there something wrong?" Gendou put his book down and replied, "Don't you hear that?" Yui put down her tea and cocked an ear. In the evening calm, she heard odd sounds, faint but growing louder. When the noises were right outside their door, Shinji walked out of his room and asked, "What the heck is that?" He went over to the door, opened it and poked his head outside.  
  
Outside there was a pair of boys loudly conversing, one holding a giant box in back of the first one. The one in front had spiky orange (dyed) hair, spiked even further from gel, while the other one (who was carrying the box) had shaggy brown hair. "Ok. keep her steady.," said the spiked haired boy to his box-bearing partner. "Where am I taking this box again?" came a voice from behind the box. "To my apartment, remember?" replied the spiky haired kid. "Jake, why am I unloading your stuff into your apartment?" the voice behind the box inquired. "Well. uh.. I got lower back pains form the plane ride. You know how those plane seats curve your spine." Jake said, sounding unsure of himself. "OOF! Aren't the movers paid to do this?" The voice asked. "Well, they moved the furniture for both apartments, and I tried tipping them, and they left," Jake said. "What? Did you tip to small?" questioned the voice. "Are you kidding? I gave them $250!" Jake said indignantly. "You gave them American money?" Asked the voice. "They could of traded it in!" Jake yelled hastily. "Why didn't they?" The voice asked. "Well Tom, they saw a problem," Jake said. "What went wrong?" asked Tom. "Well, apparently, Monopoly money lost its value in Japan," Jake said. "And we have to carry up the boxes ourselves and the elevator's broken," Tom said. "Yup. Bunch of savages in this town," Jake replied.  
  
"Yeah, well, tomorrow I'm unpacking and hitting the open fruit markets," Tom said enthusiastically. "You're obsessed," Jake said, chuckling slightly. "Besides, we gotta register in that school tomorrow," Jake said. "Oh. Oh yeah. So, where is your apartment, anyways?" Tom asked. Jake stopped and worked around. "I think we past it," Jake said. "Wonderful!" said Tom sarcastically. "Here- let me get past ya," Jake said. "How? This box is almost as wide as the hallway," Tom reasoned. "Well, maybe I can squeeze past ya," Jake said, flattening his form to the wall and scuttling around the cardboard barrier. "Oh yeah. Who's the skinniest ass here?" Jake said, raising his hands. "Please," Tom said, looking up at the ceiling. "Hey- not my fault if that's the way your mom likes it," Jake retorted. This comment caused Shinji to snort.  
  
"What the bloody-" Tom exclaimed, looking down the hall. "We got us an audience," Jake said. "Who is it?" Tom asked. "It's Barbara Striesand," Jake said sarcastically. "Really?" Tom said, dropping the box. "No you idiot. It's a native, probably wondering what an orange-haired punk and a beastly-looking putz like you are doing in the hallway," Jake said. "Oh. Hello," Tom said, giving Shinji a little wave. Slightly freaked out, Shinji didn't respond. "Dude- I didn't just insult him, did I?" Tom asked Jake. "No you didn't insult him!" Jake said, slightly annoyed. "Really? A wave doesn't mean anything bad in Japan, right?" Tom asked. "No. why?" Jake asked. "'Cause he isn't saying anything back." Tom replied. "Oh!" Shinji said as he performed a small bow. "Forgive my rudeness, I was just. unaccustomed to that color hair." he said as he gestured to Jake's head. "Isn't it studly? I dyed it last night," Jake said.  
  
He ran his hand through it, enjoying the feeling. "Tomorrow, I'm gonna be peelin' the ladies off me," he said. "Righteous. New school, new people." Tom said. "Same schmelvin Tom." Jake said. "Same friends." Tom said, rather disappointed. "C'mon, Tom. Where would you be without me?" Jake asked cheekily. "Without your incessant need for everyone to love you," Tom mumbled. "Oh? Did I just hear a negative comment from Mr. Love-your- neighbor?" Jake asked. "You're right. Sorry man," Tom said. Jake broke the silence, saying, "Dude- I think we need to hug." He picked up the box, (with some effort), and shoved it in Tom's hands. "Alright, Beastie. You gotta lot of my stuff to bring up," Jake said, slapping Tom on the back much like a man would slap a horse. "Weird." Shinji said, closing the door behind him.  
  
* * * "HEYYYY TOM! GET YER ASS OUTTA BED!!!" Tom woke up, sitting up on his futon. He looked around his box-cluttered room, trying to find the source of this unwanted disturbance. He stood perfectly still, listening. "DON'T MAKE ME SET THE STRAP TO YA, BOY!!!" Tom walked over to his balcony door, opening it, and stepping outside. He peered over the ledge to see his Jake standing on the lower landing. "'Bout time you got up! We gotta get to school!" Jake yelled up. "Meet me in the lobby in ten minutes!" Tom bellowed down to him. He rushed inside to get ready. Meanwhile, Jake went into his apartment grabbing his backpack and his skates. He swung them over his back, and strode out into the hallway, locking the door behind him. Tom, on the other hand, was zipping up his pants as he tossed a sandwich, a soda and a bunch of grapes into a paper bag. He went back into his room, grabbing his backpack off the floor and a shirt from a box. After a grabbing his blades and a banana, he was out of there.  
  
Jake walked into the elevator, punching the lobby button. As the elevator made its slow descent, he pulled a pastry out of his pocket and started eating. Meanwhile, Tom was going down the stairs at a rapid pace, whilst eating his banana. His shirt fluttered around him as he made a lightning- quick trip down the stairs. As he opened the door to the lobby, he found Jake was already there waiting for him. "You know, the school gave us uniforms." Jake said, eyeing Tom's attire. "What?" Tom asked. "Well, I just don't know how they'll react to Hawaiian shirts and cargo khakis," Jake said. "Oh, like you paint the picture of a good student," Tom said, pointing at Jake's hair and his punked-out vest. "Well, ah." Jake said, fumbling for words. "Tell ya what- we'll call it a draw," Tom said. "Agreed. Now hurry and put on your blades. We gotta blow this Popsicle stand," he said. Tom quickly sat on a bench, shoving his shoes in his bag and his blades on his feet. After a few hastily tied knots, they were out the door. It was slow at first, but soon the pair were whizzing by the on looking pedestrians. When they reached top speed, Jake yelled, "Hey Tom! Race ya!" Tom cracked a grin and said, "Like you could keep up with The Beast!" Jake laughed, saying "I'll see you in the administrative office!!" as he put on a burst of speed. Tom followed the suit, increasing his already gaining momentum. They were neck and neck for a while, until Tom yelled, "Hey- isn't that the guy from the hallway?" gesturing to the brown haired boy sprinting in the distance. "Yeah! And who's the dame?" asked Jake. "I dunno, but I'd like to find out." Tom answered. "Whoa! Is the world's most childish boy finally starting to mature?" Jake said with a devilish grin. "HA! That'll be a cold day in hell!" Tom retorted. "Looks like they're in a hurry!" Jake said. "You think we should give them a ride?" Tom said with a lopsided grin. "Of course! You read me mind, Tom my boy!" Jake chortled. He swooped in, headed for the redhead, sticking out his arm out. He pinned her to his side, saying, "Need a lift, miss?" Asuka looked up at the orange-haired boy. "No I don't need a ride, so PUT ME DOWN YOU ORANGE-HAIRED PSYCHO!" She yelled into his face. Despite the ringing pain in his ears, he still managed a smile. "Ooh we got us a feisty one here! Don't worry, miss. The ride's over." With the utmost care, Jake deposited Asuka on a bench. She just sat there for a second, and then muttered "Dummkopf," as she continued the run to school.  
  
Tom had a different situation on his hands. He managed to pick Shinji up, who, after a few introductions, just accepted the ride. They past Jake as he put Asuka down, Tom reminding Jake that there still was a race going on. Realizing that Jake was now faster because he dropped his passenger, Tom put up an effort to keep his lead. If only he paid attention when the sidewalks merged. CRASH! Tom's passenger, Shinji, collided head-on with an unidentified object. The sudden collision caused Tom to lose his balance, and made him run into a stop sign. Shinji recovered first, and woke up in an unfamiliar place. He realized that he was staring into the crotch of the unidentified object, who happened to be a girl. Tom got up, shaking his head a bit, and looked around. Seeing Shinji and the girl sprawled on the ground, he panicked. "Jesus Christ! Are you guys ok?" He exclaimed walked over to help them up. The girl, realizing where Shinji was staring, quickly closed her legs. Tom helped her up, saying, "Ok, I'm really really sorry. Are you ok? I didn't se you coming, but I gotta go. I got it!" He quickly got out a pad, and scribbled his name and phone number on it. "Here- if you got whiplash or something, we'll pay for it. Just call the number there," Turning around, He picked up Shinji, and dusted him off. "Are you ok? Good! Great! Let's Go!" He said, gesturing for Shinji to come. "I think I'll walk." Shinji said. "Ok, but I gotta go. I'm Sorry!" Tom said, the last bit aimed at the girl. He skated off, leaving Shinji and the girl standing there. "Whoa! I'm late!" said the girl. Shinji was just about to join them, but Asuka showed up. "Hey Asuka! What happened-" Shinji stopped briefly. "What is it?" Asuka asked in an annoyed voice. "Um. you're glowing." Shinji said, pointing at her face. "What are you talking about? Hurry up, dummkopf, or we'll be late!" And with that, she took off. Shinji ran after her, only wondering what the rest of the day might have in store.  
  
* * * Jake laughed as Tom ascended the stairs. "Looks like The Beast is out of shape," He said. Tom collapsed on the stairs, gabbing for Jake's leg. "Ok, Tommy boy, let's get registered," Jake said. They strode into the administrative offices, their attire grabbing some looks. "Hello boys. How can I help you?" Asked a brown-haired lady behind the desk in front of them. "Well, hello Ms.. Ibuki," Jake said, noting the desk's nameplate. "Me and me chum here to register," Jake said, pointing a thumb at the boy behind him. "I assume that you are Jacob Hagedus and Thomas Murphy?" Ms. Ibuki asked. "The very same. Now, here are our forms," Jake said. He handed her a pile of crisp papers. Tom went rooting through his back pack. After a few minutes he could be heard muttering curses under his breath. "So it talks," Ms. Ibuki thought out loud. She quickly covered her mouth, realizing what she said. "Unfortunately," Jake said, flashing her a smile. After a spell, Tom produced a pile of crumpled papers. Ms. Ibuki took them, and after a quick scan, she gave them their student Id's, locker numbers and combinations, and their classroom number.  
  
As they walked out, they looked at each others assigned classrooms. "Hey- we're in the same class!" Tom said. "So we are. I wonder what Ms. Katsuragi's like." Jake asked. They went into the assigned classroom, and sat down in the first available seats. The other kids didn't even notice them come in. They sat down, and waited. And waited. Jake slumped on his desk as Tom started to twiddle his thumbs. After 15 minutes, they noticed a commotion coming from the windows. "Dude- what's going on?" Tom asked. "I dunno. But that blonde guy's videotaping it," Jake said. "Maybe there was an accident." Tom said. "Maybe there's someone on fire!" Jake said as he went to take a look. Tom followed, but the crowd prevented him from getting a good look. "Jake- can ya see anything?" Tom asked. "No I can- WHOA!" Jake yelled. "What? What is it?" Tom inquired. "Ooh. Mama Sita!" Jake said. "What!? I wanna see!" Tom said. He tried to push his way through, but the other boys were unrelenting. So he physically lifted the boys out of his way, until he was standing next to Jake. "Where? I don't see any- HELLO!" Tom yelled as his eyes saw the woman making her way through the parking lot. "I wonder who she is?" he asked. "Well, she's going inside." Jake said. After she went inside, the boys returned to their seats.  
  
The class quieted down as the class rep, a freckled brunette, said, "All rise." As the class stood, Jake whispered, "All rise? Are we in court?" Tom snorted, but immediately shut up when the lady from the parking lot strode in. The class sat down as the lady put her bag on her desk and pulled out a few papers. She scanned them, looked at the class, and looked at the papers again. She put them down, clearing her throat, and said, "All right, you Cossacks! We got a few newbies here today, so show 'em some respect!" She gestured for the new kids to come to the front of the class. As the blue- haired girl, Jake, and Tom walked to the front, they could hear various whispers around the class room like, "Dude- you saw HER panties?" or "Check out that kid's hair!" "Hair? Try the vest!" and finally "That kid's huge! And look at is shirt!" As they stood in front of the class, the teacher introduced herself. "I'm Ms. Katsuragi. But call me Misato. You to DID get uniforms, right?" She asked, looking at the boys. "Well, yeah. It's basically the uniform, just with some more. color." Tom said. "Yeah. Tom and I are firm believers in individuality and decided to-" "Ok, ok, just wear the assigned stuff tomorrow," Misato said. "Can't we compromise? Like, Friday can be Casual Day or something?" Tom asked. But Misato wasn't even paying attention. "Class, this blue-haired babe is Rei Ayanami!" The class nodded, until, "HEY! YOU'RE THAT CREEP THAT LOOKED AT MY PANTIES!" followed by "WHAT? SHINJI WOULDN'T DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT.!" "HOW WOULD YOU KNOW? ARE YOU RIDING HIS BALOGNA PONEY?" and lastly, "Damn, Shinji, I didn't know you were getting it from Asuka." While Tom just stood there, looking really confused, and Jake was gasping for air from the floor, "HEY! IT'S THE ORANGE-HAIRED FREAK FROM THIS MORNING!" Asuka yelled. "Hey- it's that girl I told you about," Jake said, elbowing Tom and winking. "Let me get this straight. Rei got her panties looked at by the guy down the hall form your apartment, who happens to be friends (apparently with privileges) with the redhead whom you tried to give a ride to this morning," Tom explained. "That's about the size of it," Jake said. "Right. Small world," Tom said, rolling his eyes.  
  
"Despite how entertaining this is, if we could kindly SHUT UP." said Misato. She was sitting down, her legs propped up on the desk, filing her nails. "Introduce yourselves," she said, pointing he nail file at Jake and Tom. "Right. Hello, everyone. My name's Jake Hagedus, and I'm an alcoholic," Jake said, giving everyone a small wave. "The beastly guy on my left is Tom Murphy. He enjoys long walks on the beach, 1967 Cameros, and menial labor, which is all he's really good for," Jake said. Tom smiled, nodded, and sat down. "Well, that was interesting, wasn't it?" Tom asked. "Sure was, my friend. Sure was." He said as he stared out the window. Tom sighed, rested his chin on his fist, pondering their not so boring new lives in a not so boring new town. 


End file.
